Before landing

We are on the plane to St. Lucia to help deliver a workshop on Communication for Development and how to use Entertainment-Education on climate change issues. We’ll be working in the island for two weeks but I think we are barely going to see any of it. Sean says St. Lucia is the honeymoon capital of the world. “We are staying at the same hotel where they shot the last season of The Bachelor,” Lindsey says without knowing that I barely know what that means.

Last night as I was waiting for my baked Tilapia at a restaurant in Astoria, two Colombian women were flirting with a couple of old guys to get their attention, a free meal and a couple of drinks. It felt like the cheap version of Sex and the City. As a reggae version of Karma Police started playing, I wondered if they even knew who Radiohead was. I recognize my prejudice; could flashy and smart be in the same sentence? I felt cranky as I thought that I didn’t need anyone to get me a drink. I have no doubt that I can be superficial, but I praise myself to the idea of never being shallow. I guess my reaction to these women is part of an old insecurity; it took me years to accept my vanity. I bought a wedding dress two years ago. Am I ever going to wear it? Do I really want to wear it?

We’ll be landing shortly.

Cochabamba...

Coca leaves leave a bitter aftertaste. You are supposed to let them sit in your mouth, chewing once in a while, and letting your saliva do all the work. There is a certain something about Bolivia that has always amazed me. I guess it has to do with the fact that almost no one talks about the country, if not to say that it's the second poorest in Latin America, so for me its richness becomes a surprise. It's 1:00 am and Gaby and I are at the hotel room still working on contracts that will need to be signed by the 36 radio stations we are working with at the training. We can hear the music coming from the conference room as the participants are holding their own party, drinking Singhani from Camargo and listening to Chicha and other rythms that I can hardly recognize. "Afro Bolivia!" I distinguish a line from one of the songs I know, and I can imagine the dancers pretending to be sharpening machetes as they dance in circles. Evo Morales met with the newly elected officials from across the country at our hotel yesterday. He looks and dresses like any other Aymara. "I hope you haven't invited Evo to show up at our training," Lourdes aksed me, "fellow participants from the lowlands will be very upset if he comes. We don't like him in the East." He didn't.
Gaby and I are tired, but I know that as soon as we turn off the lights mosquitoes will start buzzing, making it hard to fall asleep.

Writing while tipsy is not the smartest thing to do, but I'll give it a try. It's 3:00 a.m. and I drank a bottle of white wine almost by myself (I had some help from Andrea and Maria). I've been going through old hard drives looking for the pictures I took at my grandmother's house. In particular I'm looking for a set of pictures I took of the things left behind in her closet; shoes and dresses that even if dusty and forgotten are somehow beautiful. Instead, I found a full picture repertoire of the characters and events from the last eight years. Images from the time when I was married, when I was ten kilos overweighed, jobless, working as a documentary producer and living in Astoria with Yolis and Agatha. We sometimes forget how many paths we've been through, but truth is I am all those people, all those experiences, all those phases. The constant is the need to understand myself as a way to relate to others. I found a self-portrait taken in my room, most likely on a night just like this one, half-drunk and very thoughtful. It's funny how everything changes and yet remains the same.

I worked from home today as I need to prepare for the trip to Bolivia on Sunday. I've seen the day pass by out my window and I've been sitting in the same chair for nine hours wearing my pajamas. Pandora has been providing the soundtrack, and Maria popping by my door once in a while has been my only distraction. She is moving back to Mexico at the end of this month and Andrea will stay temporarily in her place. Maria is leaving after living in New York for almost six years. A tough but necessary decision when the job panorama is not favorable, and staying in New York will mean not healing her heart. She still loves the one man she shouldn't. As I write this Why Must I Cry from Peter Tosh starts playing "I'll never fall in love again because my heart is a pain." I don't believe it. Diego is (fully) back in love with a girl from San Diego after his heart was crushed about a year ago. After all, it's Spring and I'm sure Maria will fall in love with herself and with someone, once again.

Toronto


Lindsey and I walked forty minutes under the rain from the University of Toronto to our hotel at the Financial District, crossing Chinatown and getting a slight hint of the city's flavor. Now we are working at our 14th floor-room, too tired to go out for dinner. The fog is so dense that it's impossible to get a full view of the waterfront from our window. Spring already started in New York and at this very moment flowers must be blossoming from the peach tree at our front yard. In a few weeks will have enough peaches to bake a pie; if we only knew how to make one.

Victor left, so I don't have a weekend routine anymore (or should I say again?). Sometimes having nothing to do scares me, but this weekend the void transformed itself into the opportunity to spend time with myself, art and friends. My job is in the inspiration business, inspiring positive social change, ironically I seldom find time to get my own needed dose of inspiration. What excites me? Beauty, narrative and rhythms that provide new interpretations and concepts: creative cross-pollination. I was impressed by William Kentridge's version of Journey to the Moon, Die Zauberflote and Africa's history of colonialism. So beautiful, ironic and dreadful. The movie Un Prophete is "one of the best movies I've seen in five years," Capuchi pointed out. Maria on the contrary got sick after seeing Marina Abramovic's performances on screen. Everything lies on the story. On Saturday morning Marco and I sat at a coffee shop in Tribeca as a Frenchman was playing with his new iPad. While Marco tweeted with excitement about seeing an iPad for the first time I felt like an old-schooler, thinking we are yet to see the when and how technology will equal content; if ever.

I'm listening to Gustavo Dudamel and eating one of the best sandwiches I've ever prepared: slow cooked ham, aged cheddar, mango chutney and spinach. Today is one of the few nights I'm able to stay home as my travel schedule is crazy; Guatemala, Mexico, Colombia, Bolivia, Canada, St. Lucia, Alabama and California between February and March. Last week Sean, Javier and I returned from Bogota and Anolaima, where we conducted creative and scriptwriting sessions with community members and visited a family coffee farm. I'm still impressed on the process that takes to prepare a single cup of coffee. Every step needs to be perfect, from growing the plant in the right environment and light, to the drying, fermentation, toasting and grinding. All that is needed to steal some of its scent as we pour hot water through it. (And then mix it with milk and sugar).

I rearranged my bedroom so now I can actually sit at my desk and write. The wall I'm facing has a collage of unrelated pictures and papers, including a business card from EL FENIX, my aunt Pilar's jewelry store in Florence. After almost thirty years she is closing it as sales dropped sharply in the last couple of years. My grandfather's store, which provided for most of my family's resources, had that same name. By EL FENIX card I placed a postcard from a Gustave Caillebotte painting of three shirtless men scraping a parquet floor of a Parisian apartment; they have a bottle of wine and a glass on the floor.

Last night we went to see RED at the Golden Theater in Broadway. A new production staring Alfred Molina portrays a certain time in the life of Mark Rothko, when he was working on a series of paintings to be displayed at the recently opened Four Seasons in Midtown Manhattan. The script is depth in meaning and irony, showing the complexity of being human and the circumstances that shape us. For me it felt like a wake up call: bring meaning to all you do, acknowledge what was built and created before you and understand the responsibility you inherit within, the many shades a color has and how any canvas represents only ten percent of the art piece, with everything that was left out becoming the substance that support what you see. The Rothko on scene talked about Jackson Pollock, about Pollock's intensity when maturing as an artist and the lack of meaning he must have found when he finally got fame. Rothko decided not to sell his paintings to the Four Seasons. We don't need to be artists to loose sense of what is important. For me it's too easy to get carried away by materialism, new technology and the vast amount and speed of information making it impossible to prioritize. I guess part of our complexity is that we both feel the need for lightness and depth. After Abstract Expressionism came Pop Art.

The worst post ever.

One more day without writing and this blog would be considered officially closed. This is why I'm writing today, to keep it alive and breathing, at least on a comatose state. As I always say (you must be tired of this) it's hard to capture everything that happened in the past month into one post or a single paragraph. That's why here is a short list of (ir)relevant things and thoughts to share:

1. I think Astoria is becoming gay, or so it seems as lots and lots of cute white clean-cut guys are riding the subway every evening. Good for sightseeing but not very promising for all the single looking-for-a-steady-boyfriend girls that populate Astoria – which are quite a lot. (Not me!)

2. I was in Guadalajara for a few days, dividing my time between work meetings, renewing the tremendous H1B visa, sharing with friends, going to art openings, discovering the new crop of artists, making Patrick Charpenel feel awkward, cooking with my Mom and kissing my boyfriend for the last time in months.

3. I didn’t got food poisoning in Guatemala even when I ate a full stack of Mayan tamales.

4. I got a Geisha wig to wear tonight at Oscar’s 39th Birthday Party.

5. I’m glad to see that lots of people in Guadalajara are opening their own business. Everything keeps moving

6. I discovered that even with all my travel from the past three years, I still don’t have enough miles to get into the VIP rooms between flights. (sucks!)

7. Victor stayed in Mexico, meaning that our history of long-distance relationship reopens, which means that it’s not enough that I produce soap operas for work, I insist in living one.

8. I think this post sucks, but what the hell. I hope that at least being honest about it saves my reputation.

On Forgetting

It was cold today and I felt sick, so I worked from home and cooked chicken and vegetable paella. Victor and I booked our airplane tickets to Mexico, a step that I've been trying to avoid as most likely he'll stay and I'll be back in New York in two weeks by myself.  To be honest I can't even start thinking about it; I'm sure I'll be writing about it soon.  
My Mom sent me an email with a quote that read "Nunca la ausencia causa el olvido" which roughly translates to absence never causes forgetfulness. When I moved to New York she was 49, now she is 57; I was 24, now I'm 31.

It's been a while since the last time I wrote, I know; I realized it as I lay on the massage bed at the physical therapy facility listening The Girl from Ipanema. After the trip to Italy, I started getting back pain, so I go every two days to get spine massage. The place is usually busy with elders, or young people who suffered an accident, making me feel guilty to appear so healthy.

The hardest part about writing after a long time is trying to select the stories to tell. Should I write about the man who got killed by a trailer in the corner of my house? About Cristina opening a new Mexican restaurant in the Upper West Side? Should I describe the new developments in my relationship with Victor? Things in my life keep moving in the usual chaotic order; the New York way.

Two weeks ago we had dinner with Victor’s cousin. She lives with her husband at their Upper East Side apartment. Everything seemed perfect: magazine-inspired décor, good and steady jobs, arts management masters, happy couple, waiting for their first child, and above all, no apparent doubts about the decisions taken. Somehow most of my friends, and me, have recurrent crisis questioning the paths we’ve chosen. My friend Arloinne, who moved to Barcelona recently with her husband (who is on his second Masters), confessed the uneasy feeling about starting from scratch in a new country at age 32. Spain is not the best place to look for a job right now, so as an Anthropologist she is applying to work at local coffee shops. “It feels strange that I might be working with people in their 20’s who are just defining themselves,” she continued, “I’m supposed to be building a career or something.” Just like with Victor and I, things are yet to be defined.

Morality at 3:00 am

Victor, Alex and Oscar are discussing morality using the Tiger Woods case as an example. They seem to be in disagreement, but they accord that his main failure was lying about his true nature. "He tried to keep the image of Mr. Perfect for too long,' said Alex, 'he sold the idea of a family guy". I'm more in favor of Victor's opinion, we both acknowledge that maybe he was forced to sell an image he was not even so sure to represent. For me, we all fuck up one way or another, making most moral standards a fallacy. We expect our idols to represent what we can't achieve, or to stand for it on our behalf. Victor, Alex and Oscar keep discussing; they shifted their conversation to compare Tiger with Elliot Spritzer, and how receiving tax money adds to the moral equation. I'm too tired to mention that I advocate for prostitution legalization. In the meantime, Maria sleeps in the couch. The champagne took its toll already.

Post script: Alex wonders when Tiger Woods comeback will happen; he already assumes he will. Oscar thinks the idea is irrelevant; public memory is too short for it to matter.

Frozen Honey

I have a bear-shaped honey jar on top of my desk. Since the honey crystallized I had to put the jar upside down, but still a quarter of it is too solid and definitely not coming down. If this bear-shaped honey jar was as an hourglass, the countdown would have stopped on Monday, freezing a precise moment in time. It might also mean that the honey is slowly dripping, extending my perception of time (at least during office hours). I read a good explanation on why every new year feels shorter than the previous one. When you are six years old, a year is actually a sixth of your entire life. A sixth of my life now is represented by 5 years, so one year is just a tiny fraction that promises to get smaller as years go by. I suddenly remember my 3th grade Math teacher saying “You can eternally divide fractions into smaller fractions.”

I haven't decided on my 2010 resolutions. I guess I'll just wait until the Chinese New Year's celebration to come with a thoughtful list of resolutions and the roadmap on how to achieve them. I used to be too faithful that things will be completed just by naming them. Now, as experience starts to settle, I know magic is not enough. Of course it doesn't mean that I lost my appetite to wish for wonderful and unrealistic things to happen (like Victor finding a great job in New York).

I´m at home by myself waiting for the clay facemask to dry. Today is the first day of a new decade which feels as yesterday, with the difference that I´m trying really hard to make-believe that indeed a new era is staring just now, as the clay is sucking all impurity from my skin. An indecisive new year´s eve marked the celebration, just the precise reflection of the last years. This was the first year we had no plans, so we just decided to go with the flow. We started the evening having a late lunch/early dinner with friends from my childhood at a Thai place, later making a stop at Veneiros for a taste of their famous cheesecake, and we ended at Café Frida playing DJ with my iPhone and talking to Margarita Pracatan, an underground celebrity and personal friend of Boy George. After a long night, an unexpected call from my cousins in Mexico and realizing that Victor is my family made the new beginning worth.

Shadows in the clouds

As I was telling Diego yesterday during our live broadcast on radio global, only in New York I've seen the buildings project shadows into the sky. It's not usual, you need the right combination of fog density, light and tall buildings. I took this picture last summer, one night after Oscar and I left our favorite wine bar in Midtown Manhattan. We haven't been there in a while, as we haven't had our usual long conversations. Things are different now. The year is almost over and I don't have my new year's resolutions. Last year I painted my house, and changed the layout of my room entirely. This year I want to throw things away, I just want to keep the basics and leave room for breathing (and new ideas!). I also want to go back to my old habits of finding beauty on almost everything, like enjoying the sight of the fog covering the buildings.

while you read...

Victor is reading his book about Mexican caudillo and revolutionary Pancho Villa. He laughs, stops reading and mention that he is comparing this book to Sun Tzu's Art of War. I oppose war, but I have to admit that Master Tzu's teachings are amazingly useful. While he reads I play with my iPod shuffle, hoping the variety in music will provide me with enough ideas and inspiration to write. As I do so, Oscar arrives. We take a minute to discuss his day, Argentinean food and good news from Carlos, someone he dated last year. Dating for gay men seems as complicated as it is for heterosexual women. It's not hard to hook-up with someone, but it's hard to keep it going, not to mention to transform dating into a real relationship. My iPod jumps to a Coldcut podcast that uses Black Uhuru's dub as a sample. The last time I heard this track Capuchi and I were driving from San Diego to Tijuana on his family's purple van. This was about four years ago, and the only time I've crossed the US-Mexico border. I was surprised about how you can actually travel to Mexico without getting questioned. By definition, crossing a border on a purple passenger van without showing my passport makes me feel suspicious, and dub, as a perfect soundtrack, reinforced the feeling. Victor continues to laugh to his book, and TV sounds come from Oscar's bedroom. I'm cold, so I'm wearing a colorful Peruvian hat I brought from my last trip to Machu Picchu. I'm 31, and I feel glad that I can still afford to enjoy weekday nights listening to music, drinking Riesling and having a lover/boyfriend without having to look glamourous.

My Mom will meet her grandchildren for the first time today; as a matter of fact she might just be doing so as I write. The story of most families is not linear, nor is it easy to tell. There are so many reasons on why things go wrong and ties are broken, so many words unspoken, pride, fear and love; and suddenly there comes the need to get the pieces back together. Today will become her happiest Christmas story.

For me, this will be a forced New York Christmas vacation. My visa renovation is in process, so it’s not possible to leave the country at this time. Nevertheless, I’m happy as I've never got the chance to enjoy the city as a tourist with Victor. Also, I need some time for myself, to write this year’s recount, and start drafting ideas for the coming one. “2010 will be a great year,” Neil, the building manager told me today as I was stepping in the elevator. In the meantime, it’s just 4:30 pm and already getting dark, and I still got lots of pending tasks before heading home.